i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
I love that you put so much thought and effort into your nudes
I don't send half assed nudes. Go big or go home.
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