By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
seriously this is one of those moments where im glad i dont really talk to or know the people i sleep with
Well said.
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Randomize
