Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
Randomize
