***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
So..he puked on my dress and I had to walk back to the dorms in his little sisters Scooby Doo pajamas.
I don't know you.
this is like her 8th guy since december, is she wasn't frumpy people would call her a whore
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
