Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
