I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
Randomize
