Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
its always fun the next morning to look around the room and see where all the clothing landed.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
Randomize
