Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
Randomize
