There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
you kept say ridiculous things then repeating them in perfect classical latin. You are onee intelligent drunk
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
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