I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
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