hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Randomize
