Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
Randomize
