Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Randomize
