Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
He has the fingertips of a God
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