Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
Call it a failed empirical study as to whether drugs would make her more interesting. or at least better in bed.
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
Randomize
