You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
Adderal just makes me love life. I want to do so much. I just can't stop thinking about all the wonderful opportunities we have and how lucky we are and I want to make a difference in the world. I just have to reign in my brain and convince it that changing the world starts with a college degree, which depends on studying for these finals.
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
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