Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
Randomize
