I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
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