My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
