Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Randomize
