watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
i dont care about people's attitudes as long as they give me head
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
Randomize
