Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
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