Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
is her vagina suppost to smell like dirty taco bell?
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
