I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
DOES ANYONE KNOW THE NINJA TURTLES
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
Randomize
