so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
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I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
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Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
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