oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
Any luck with the purse?
No, though I did find her weed. Also her sons name is King. I'm uncertain how I feel about that
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