She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
Maybe just the first 2 wks of Nov can be dick detox.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
Randomize
