This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
Randomize
