I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
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