Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
hr gave me pretxwk salad and a doubke shot of grey goose. i approve! tou guys are a beautidil couple.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
Profesor just winked at me. This class might be easier than I thought
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