It's a beautiful day for a hangover
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Randomize
