I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
