Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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