My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
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