3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
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