My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
I'm using her two yr old as a arm rest while I attempt to feel her up. Somehow she is allowing it. How this transitions to sex should be interesting.
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
um care to explain the stolen chinchila under greg's bed..i'd be fine with it if it wasnt chewing up the stash
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
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