I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
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