Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
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