a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
Randomize
