what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
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