Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
Randomize
