The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
