He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
i would have smoked before this dance, how ever i have surgery Monday and I looked up weed and anesthesia and fatalities was mentioned, so i decided that it would be a bad idea
probs a good idea
i like the whole idea of life and being alive
you sure you're not high?
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
I just blew my weed a kiss
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
Btw, I feel the need to make sure we have no misunderstanding about this. So here goes. I'll happily mess around with you again. However, I probably won't do it while you're dressed like a creepy clown. Or any clown.
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
Randomize
