By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
oh god the rape fog is back!
my room smells like sperm. sweet.
I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
i would totally change schools right now just to be that new girl everyone wants
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
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