his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
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