Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Randomize
