I prefer the term 'tenderly watching'
such a stalker...
she wanted to love me. she just didn't know it yet.
just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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