Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
doooooooo herrrrrrrrr
I'm out of practice. be my yoda
put your penis in her you must.
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
Randomize
