yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
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8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
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So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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