260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
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