i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
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