I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
By the way, I think my next facebook status update will read, "Aaron recently found out Vanessa's a screamer."
oh god.
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
Randomize
