At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
Randomize
