forecast for tonight- shitshow with a chance of tbell
my version of bright and sunny.
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
Randomize
