I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
Randomize
