I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize
