I accidentally burped into my bong.
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
Randomize
