I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
my advisor is telling us the best way to sneak in alcohol on move in day. I definately picked the right college
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
Randomize
