If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
These tits shall not be calmed
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
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